[chapter:Desire]

  The first kiss of dawn’s light caresses the world around me. The sun’s tender fingers stretch across the sky, illuminating the path with a breathtaking palette of oranges and reds, casting a warm glow that dances through the trees. The destination draws near, as I turn the corner. My safe haven, my comfort, my home. At long last, relief never felt so satisfying as my car came to a stop. The shell of what was left of me, sat in the car for a brief moment.

  I realized that I didn't even have a chance to have a shower. The stench of the gym clung to my coat, a constant reminder of the events that had just transpired. With the last of my energy, I eagerly got out of the car. Reaching the backseat, where I usually had flung my duffle bag, but my things were nowhere to be found. A decently sized bag with nowhere to hide and nowhere to be found. Shivers shoot down my spine as I gasp at the realization I must have left it at the gym. My exceptional decision to hastily remove myself from that nightmare, as a result I forgot my things.

  The feeling of dread engulfs me by the thought of going back and reclaim my things. I sigh in frustration; “I better go shopping tomorrow for new gym attire,” scolding myself. There’s nothing I can do now. Driving back is too far and just the thought of it makes my heart race with anxiety. Defeated, I closed the car door, and made my way to my room from the garage, and into the bathroom to clean up.

  I turned the faucet in haste and a rush of cold water poured onto me. Shocked by the freezing temperatures, my body jerked and I lost my balance. I slipped and fell, landing on the floor helplessly as the cold water continued to pour onto me. No energy was in me to fight back; getting up was an impossible task. I could only sit there and wait for the water to warm. The water eventually warmed up, but my legs refused to budge. Sitting on the floor of the shower; sitting on my own pool of shame with my thoughts.

  “Why now…” I asked myself, “Brenden wanted the same, and countless times I tried. It always ended in displeasure on both his part and mine. But why this time, this time it felt intimate, I didn’t mind it. Worst of all… I think I liked it.” I feel my face blushing, or maybe it was the cold water finally becoming warm. One more attempt at getting up, and I finally muster up the last bit of energy to finally get myself up. But that was the last of it, because my legs felt numb and I leaned against the glass wall shower to support myself. The faucet turns and the falling water stops. A step out of the shower and my leg attempts to give. I limped to my bed with my towel barely clinging on to my waist; and falling face first into my bed and quickly dozed off and passed out.

  [newpage]

  [chapter:Maybe]

  Darkness surrounded me, but a feeling of familiarity punched a hole in my chest. My eyes sprung open from the shock. A blur is all I can see. Nostalgia filled me even with my vision obscured. My breathing increasingly grew heavy as I realized where I am. “How…” I blurred out, and a voice resounded from my side. This can’t be; I swear I left. I turned to face the voice, and my worst nightmare manifested. My lips and my body moved on its own. Every move and every word is verbatim, replaying the event that transpired. Again I’m on my knees. “Please… stop…” I begged my body to move; to let me have a sliver of control. Again I feel him on my throat, throbbing and making me reach my limits.

  The moment he frees me, my body jerks and my eyes open again. My nightmare ends as I find myself sweating profusely. My sheets are damp with sweat. I’m still exhausted, but the damp sheets felt uncomfortable and I was forced to wake up. A quick glance at the clock and it was barely hitting 8:00 in the morning. My sleep and respite was short lived.

  The bedroom door bursts open with a loud bang. "WHAT THE FUCKING HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?" my roommate shouted, "You were unresponsive and you got worried like hell. I was about to call an ambulance! Now, get downstairs; I made breakfast. And put some god damn clothes on.” He continued to rant as he left the room. Brenden is my roommate and also my ex-boyfriend. And unlike me, he is actually a normal bun. Despite our past, I am surprised to find that he still cared for me. It had been years since we broke up. But there's no hard feelings. Having an Ex as a roommate does warrant concerns, but it has been very civil. He’s practically living here for free. Despite being my Ex and my tenant, Brenden is always respectful, and I don't really mind that he brings home a new toy every night. Since he puts up with me, I might as well return the favor and put up with the frequent moaning. Although I can't shake the feeling he’s trying to get me jealous.

  Feeling a bit under the weather, I dragged myself out of bed and put on something comfortable. As I carefully made my way down the stairs, I couldn't help but notice a sharp pain in my hip. Entering the kitchen, Brenden was still cooking. “Sit” He turned around and greeted me with a barrage of rants. “B*tch!," he scoffed, "Sit down and eat, please." He sounds angry, but I can’t help but feel that he is more worried than I am…

  "I'm sorry to make you worry so much," I replied, fidgeting and avoiding making eye contact. Brenden continued his tirade as he flipped eggs and seared bacon. "Worried!?" he exclaimed. "I was more than worried,” he slammed his hands on the table angrily, "I thought you died! Yesterday morning I went to check up on you, and you were just butt ass naked, passed out on your bed." All I could do was nod my head and mumble an apology every now and then."and then when I came home from work, you were literally in the same position. You said you had hippos or whatever the heck and needed food and shit sometimes or you’d pass out, and I was concerned because you haven't moved."I couldn't help but feel grateful for Brenden's concern. “Yeah, something like that, but I’m fine, it doesn’t happen all the time,” I replied. “I’m perfectly fine now… well.. besides feeling a bit dizzy.”

  “What you expect after sleeping naked with no covers…” Brenden said with some concern in his voice, “... and you're limping a bit when you walk, you aight?”

  “I’m not sure what happened, but there's a bit of pain… and I don't know where I got these bruises from…” the pain grew more apparent, “I might go to the urgent care after eating.” “Hey…” Brenden said, looking quite concerned, “let me take you, I don’t want you passing out while driving…” a bit relieved he offered and I took up on his offer.

  Shortly after getting ready and hopping in the car, we arrived at the nearest urgent care. Getting an appointment with our primary doctor is an impossible task in such a short notice. Brenden demanded I sit down and wait, while he checked me in at the reception. The waiting area was packed, but luckily there’s two unoccupied seats in the corner. Settling in for the long wait, I can’t help but feel bad for the breakup between Brenden and I. He really does care for me, but I am unable to give him what he wants. He’s a very good friend and is a very caring partner.

  After checking in at the reception, Brenden made his way to the seat next to me and sat. “The line isn’t too long today, we should be out real quick,” Brenden said. “Thanks for trying to make me feel better, but unless my eyes are playing tricks, this waiting room is past maximum capacity,” I replied with a grin. “Don’t worry about it,” said Brenden, as he leaned back into his seat.

  To my surprise, the next name being called was me. “Bryce” the staff called from the hallway entrance. I took a moment, thinking there MUST be another person here named Bryce as well. The awkward moment stood silent, and no one else got up. “Bryce? The doctor will see you now” the staff called again. Brenden nudged me, and replied “coming!” as he got up and dragged me along. The death glares were intense, as we made our way to the hallway. All the others patiently waited. All were glaring daggers at me.

  “What did you do?” I asked; he looked straight onwards and didn’t even bat an eye at me. The assistant took me in and measured my vitals before sitting me down in the exam room. Brenden, being the concerned friend, requested to stay with me and I obliged. The room brings a bore familiarity, as I see it on a regular basis and under a different circumstance. Nonetheless, it’s somewhere I am accustomed to. Brenden stayed quiet, as we waited for the doctor to arrive. An awkward silence hung like a curtain between him and I.

  The silence broke when the doctor knocked and came into the room. First he greeted Brenden like an old acquaintance, before turning his attention to me, introducing himself as Dr. J and addressing my problem. Then proceeded to ask a few questions, did some exams and asked me to say the usual Ahhh as he suppressed my tongue and looked in my throat. I can’t help but notice his eyes and eyebrows jerked in surprise. Once he was done, he reassured me, “it’s just a simple cold and sore throat. I would advise against any… rigorous activity involving you know what.” He continued, “just some over the counter medications would suffice, and I’ll write you a prescription for a course of antibiotics for that sore throat. Do you have any other questions for me?” “No, I don’t have any other questions, thank you,” I replied. “Good, I wish you well and a swift recovery,” the doctor said, “and I’ll see you” as he points to Brenden, “later, have a wonderful day you two.” Once Dr. J left the room, I glared at Brenden and intensely stared at him. He didn't budge, and refused to make eye contact. With his arms crossed and leaning against the wall on the other side of the room. Ignoring my attempts to make conversation with him. Lastly, the assistant came in and gave me the prescription and sent us on our way.

  Back in the car, and Brenden still is ignoring me. I insisted on making conversation with him, and my final attempt was successful. He gave, “Fine… we are seeing each other, and WE are going out for dinner tonight… and he may or may not be coming over tonight… emphasis on may” he said. I let out a laugh, “that’s why we got in so fast?” I said to Brenden. “So, he’s your new boyfriend?” I asked. “No, you know me better than that!” He replied. “So… a fling?” I was progressively getting more confused. “Also no, he’s more than that… J is a, uhh, friend…” said Brenden, playfully and slowly starting to blush. “Ahh yes, you both definitely benefit from being friends” I replied.

  “Don’t you think I forgot what J said. ‘avoid rigorous activity’ when he checked your throat? Care to explain yourself?” He said with a very curious tone. I would explain… however, everything’s a blur for me, I couldn’t recall if I tried. I made my best attempt to stare out the window and pretend the question wasn’t asked. “Ehhem!” Brenden falsely tried to clear his throat to garner my attention. “Fine, be that way… I guess we’re getting past the trust and straight to secrets.” “No, it’s not like that” I sincerely reply, “I honestly can’t recall what happened.” “Well dang, that guy must’ve literally blown your brains out!” he exclaimed, “and here I thought putting eight loads in you back to back was…”

  “Yea, and all you did was made me sore…” cutting him off before he finished his sentence. It was very rude of me to do so, and I feel bad. But being railed up with emotions all of a sudden, I just couldn’t control myself. Brenden became quiet and resumed focusing on driving. Another mistake; another trip wire I stepped on. Worst of all, it might have hurt a friend. “I … I’m s-.”

  “Don’t worry about it,” the interruption was well deserved. “If you actually found someone that you’re happy with, I am all for it. I am very glad that you did,” He turned to face me with a sincere smile. I couldn’t help but smile back with relief.

  Arriving home once more, I realized I still haven’t called off work; it wouldn’t be good to no call no show. “Hey, I already called your boss yesterday, he said take the week off,” said Brenden as we were getting out of the car. “Yesterday?” I questioned, I was sure it was only for a night that I slept. “Yea, yesterday… Today is Wednesday. You were unresponsive the whole day yesterday” said Brenden, with a confused tone, “are you sure you're alright?”

  “Yea, I’m fine, don’t worry about it, the doctor said it's nothing major anyways” I replied, just as confused. I took my time getting out of the car because my legs were getting really fatigued. Next thing I knew, Brenden was standing over me, “let me help…” he said before picking me up in his arms. “You’re not trying to win me over again are you?” I asked. “Ha!” Brenden chuckled, “I know that ship sailed a long time ago, and besides. You’re just not that kind of person,” he replied. He then stared me in the eyes and said, “but… your cheeks are just as plump as I remembered… I wouldn’t mind having them for dinner.” succumbing to the comfortable embrace of Brenden’s arms, I find myself dozing off and inevitably falling asleep.